4 Generations – Alia (my daughter), Dad, Grandma and me…circa 2008
Why doesn’t your dad live with you?
No one has outright asked me this but I’ve seen the question of many faces. The “Isn’t is just you and your husband in a 3-bedroom house?” look. The “Don’t you only work part-time and can choose your own hours?” look.
Well, Yes! And, in some ways! But….
Before I get into that, let me list some of the assisted living options out there that I am aware of:
Assisted Living – housing for elderly or disabled people that provides nursing care, housekeeping, and prepared meals as needed. This can have an apartment complex setting which allows for more independent living.
Skilled Nursing Home – per Merriam-Webster, a health-care institution that meets federal criteria for Medicaid and Medicare reimbursement for nursing care including especially the supervision of the care of every patient by a physician, the employment full-time of at least one registered nurse, the maintenance of records concerning the care and condition of every patient, the availability of nursing care 24 hours a day, the presence of facilities for storing and dispensing drugs, the implementation of a utilization review plan, and overall financial planning including an annual operating budget and a 3-year capital expenditures program. Typically, in these settings, a person shares a room with another occupant but single occupancy rooms are available.
In-Home Assistance – healthcare and/or personal care support that’s provided in-home.
Veterans Home – Provides a variety of options for Veterans from those listed above as well as Senior Living and Hospice.
There are probably a few other options and hybrids of these options, but these are the most common. In Dad’s case, he lives in an Assisted living facility with a Nursing Home set-up. It’s not a Skilled Nursing home, though. Which means there isn’t a Registered Nurse on staff but he does share a room.
So back to why Dad lives in a Nursing Home.
It wasn’t a planned occurrence, at all. 3 years ago, Dad was so ill he had to be admitted to a rehab center in Vallejo and we had no clue what the outcome would be. As he was being moved from Kaiser Hospital to Windsor Vallejo Care Center, one of the nurses handed me information regarding a Senior Care Broker. At first, I was confused…did she know something I didn’t? Wouldn’t Dad be going home after Windsor? To be honest, we weren’t sure if Dad was going to make it. At the time, all we knew was Dad had heart failure and was severely declining in health. My family and I could only handle what was happening in the moment.
A week later, Dad was physically improving but mentally not as well. It became apparent that he may have dementia and as his POA, I had to look towards the future. So after discussions with family, I contacted the Broker. He sat down with me and my husband and gave us a few options. A couple of days later, he showed us a few facilities and we settled on one of the larger ones. It was an older facility, but it had a few more amenities than the others, such as his own bathroom, only one roommate, and it had a larger male population.
Side note: Did you know that women out number men in Senior Living between 7 to 1 and up to 10 to 1?
At first, my family and I said it was temporary. Dad was recovering well and we were hoping that we were wrong about the dementia…or at least wrong about the severity of the condition. But then, there was a setback. Dad’s breathing seemed to be getting worse and he started declining again. It turns out that not all of his medication had been transferred over from Windsor to the nursing home. The doctor that oversaw my dad’s case at Windsor was overzealous regarding my Dad’s recovery and kept removing meds. We got the medication situation figured out with his GP, but Dad was still retaining fluids. At an appointment with the Cardiologist, Dad admitted to still consuming quite of bit of salt-filled snacks. The doctor proceeded to chastise me and my husband Tex, who happened to be with us. So, immediately upon returning to Dad’s room I looked for snacks and I found 2 large bags of chips next to Dad’s bed. Tex however (a Correctional Sergeant), did a proper search of his room and found 2 grocery bags full of chips, crackers and popcorn in his closet, drawers and even under his bed. Needless to say, there were some growing pains with the facility and the new living arrangements in the beginning but once his meds were corrected and his diet was adjusted, he improved.
However, it became clear that Dad was no longer ever going to be able to live on his own. If it was just the heart failure or even just the dementia, he may have been able to live on his own with in-home assistance. But, the combination had already proven to be almost fatal so we concluded that he needed full time care and supervision.
Well, now that I know what kind of care he needs, why not take him home?
There are several factors as to why.
My Aunts on both sides of my family took care of their mothers until they died. My dad’s sister had taken care of both parents. For many years, they fed, bathed, clothed and chauffeured my grandmothers’ around. They were up many nights and spent a lot of time in hospitals. They entertained them and did their best to keep them happy and comfortable. They did have some help from other family members but the bulk of the responsibility landed on them. I don’t know how they did it…If they can do it, why don’t I do the same?
First, here is where I mention that I live on San Quentin Prison property. Because it is government housing, the cost is very low and helping us save for retirement and our future home. This house is almost a century old and is not compatible for Dad’s condition. It has stairs and a bathroom that is not set up for up someone with special needs (like a walk-in and a sit-down shower with bars).
Second, I am located near a gun range. This not good for a war veteran with PTSD. It can sound like combat if you don’t know any better.
Third, my grandmothers were both women and small women in their advanced age. Dad is 6 feet 3 inches and 240 pounds at his top weight. The day Dad was checked into the rehab center, he had an appointment with his doctor. I arrived at his apartment 3 hours early because I knew I had to help him get ready. I had to help him into the bathroom, help him showered and help him get dressed. At this point, he was only 170-180 lbs and unable to stand on his own, so I was holding him up, almost carrying him. Now I can lift heavy weights, but bathing and dressing that weight is a totally different situation. The facility Dad lives at is prepared for all these challenges.
But more important than the other reasons, Dad still has a since of living on his own. He still has his own place (although with a roommate) and he doesn’t feel like he’s a burden to any of us. It makes the time he spends with his family more enjoyable and not obligatory. Plus, I don’t think Dad would enjoy having his daughter help him shower and clean-up after him on a regular basis. He has his pride and part of his happiness is based on a sense of being independent.
And the final reason…well, I’d be lying if I said I’m not relieved to have my own freedom and space. After watching my Aunts, I knew these would be limited. They weren’t totally home bound but making arrangements in order for them to have personal lives was no small task. Personally, I wouldn’t be able to work and do what I love if I took care of Dad full time.
It may sound selfish. It may actually be selfish. I’m okay with that. I think people have an obligation to themselves to live their best lives and having Dad live with me full time would not provide that for either of us. Because of this and my Aunt’s experience, part of mine and my husband’s future planning includes making sure our children do not have to be responsible for our care.
And just because I may not be involved in the day to day needs for Dad, I do have many other responsibilities with regards to Dad’s care. And Dad’s life isn’t perfect where he lives, so I’m constantly looking for ways to improve his quality of life. But those will be separate articles. Also, I mentioned the Veterans Home but that too deserves its own article.
One final note for today. A great resource is “A Place for Mom”. There are a ton of articles on not only how to care for our parents but how to also plan for our own future needs.
Thank you for reading.
Anne
healthyandsaneish.com 