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Hey People! It’s been a while. My excuse is that it’s been a busy year but now, all of a sudden, I have extra time on my hand. As do many of us.

I’m not going to talk about COVID-19 because I’m not a medical expert of any kind and I’m sure you are being inundated with updates daily…hourly. But it did remind me of why I had originally started this blog.

I am a caretaker of an elderly parent who has preexisting conditions (heart failure and dementia) and who lives in a nursing home. My journey as a caretaker hasn’t been an easy one; it never is for anyone. But it’s not something that is talked about enough and it’s something that most people are not prepared for but are thrown into because of a traumatic event. And then chaos ensues, and lives are turned upside down.

The most recent events have shown how if we don’t prepare for our parents/grandparent’s eventual need for care (or even our own), then they/we are being set up to be the most vulnerable in a crisis. Now this does not have to just apply to elderly folks but anyone in compromised health but for the sake of simplification, I’ll stick to referring to the older population.

In these times, our elderly people are vulnerable because of a higher tendency to have preexisting illnesses. These illnesses make it harder to fight off infections and viruses. Hence why the “stay at home” mandate is even more imperative for them. But most of us have never been in this type of situation so even those people that have detailed action plans their elder’s care were caught with their pants down.

Triage – noun: (in medical use) the assignment of degrees of urgency to wounds or illnesses to decide the order of treatment of a large number of patients or casualties.

verb: assign degrees of urgency to (wounded or ill patients).

Such an ugly word! “Triage” is something that we hope never has to be done. We hope that there are enough doctors, nurses and other medical experts. We hope there are enough hospital beds and now, ventilators. But there may be a time when triage is necessary and unavoidable. Those that are oldest and most sick will get the short straw.

How do we minimize triage? Are there preventative measures to take?

One of the things we can do is help them not to expose themselves unnecessarily, ideally avoiding the need to go to the hospital.

What is written below is by no means a complete list. It’s what has come to my mind in recent days. But it’s a start and one I hope will be improved upon over time through discussions and collaborations. Note: This mostly applies to those living independently

• Technology – Some keep up with the times fairly well. They have the internet, a computer and maybe even a smart phone. But many don’t, either because they choose to be less connected and accessible, or because technology is simply challenging for them. My husband and I have both in our families. I recently bought my dad a flip phone because it was easier for him to use. But I also have family that have flip phones on purpose.
  • For those that are more technologically savvy, help make sure their computers and phones are updated. Ask if they are having any difficulties. Grandchildren can be a great resource for this and it’s a way for them to also bond with their grandparents.
  • Sometimes a landline isn’t a bad thing. If they have one, make sure it’s working. Check with them on whether or not they want their voicemail cleaned out…I don’t know why but it’s always full! I think they forget the code. Or they know the telemarketers can’t leave messages if the box is full…so maybe leave it alone. But check to make sure. They may not realize they are missing calls.
• Get to know their neighbors and friends close by. Exchange contact information. Share emergency plans with them (with your elder’s permission).
• Evacuation or Relocation Plan – I’m thinking about the recent fires? Do they have back-up transportation, if need be?
• Groceries and Prescriptions – Ideally their prescriptions are mailed to their residence. If not, see if you can help set this up. See if their preferred grocery stores delivers. Those that are still independent like to shop for themselves typically, because it gets them out of the house, but discuss alternatives for those emergencies. Make them familiar with this process. Again, close friends and neighbors can be helpful.
• Disaster supplies – Help them stock up on some food and paper necessities to hold them over in a pinch. Have a list and check on them twice a year. Also, batteries, a generator (especially if there are outages), gas for the generator, flashlights, etc…
• Entertainment – See that they have books, puzzles, hobby supplies…especially non-electronic items.
• What are some other categories?

Lastly, there have been a lot of funny memes lately about how children are having to parent the parents regarding staying home. Now, I’ve mentioned before that our parents and such can be resistant to help. We’ve had more than one parent initially ignore the “stay at home” mandate (sigh). I’ve heard the following excuses.

“I’m too stubborn to get sick” When explaining triage “They can’t tell my age” “You can’t shop for me because you don’t know the specific brands I like” and “I’m healthy enough”

These statements were met with frustrated long exhales and eyerolls. But I know they just don’t want to believe they are vulnerable. And I don’t blame them; I will probably be just as stubborn and in denial.

So be gentle. Show them that these aren’t just tasks for them because they are older but that you are doing the same in your own household. Try not to guilt trip them or treat them like children; treat them like they are the adults they are. Make them a part of the process; don’t just make decisions for them.

Now more than ever, we need to look out for each other and our loves ones.

Happy New Year to All!

It’s been a while since I posted anything.  Meh, life!  Ironically, I wrote this blog in October, but I was having a hard time editing it …there’s a lot going on in this particular blog.  But it’s information worth knowing, I guarantee!!!  Currently, I am in the process of helping a loved one sort through their house and declutter.  A lot of which involves mail, so now is an appropriate time to send this out.

Also, has anyone watched “Tidying Up” with Marie Kondo???  It’s a must see on Netflix…especially after my previous article on Clutter.  But I digress….

I apologize in advance for the intensity of this article.  This topic brings out so many negative emotions.  Rage, sadness, despair, confusion, distrust…DESTRUCTION!!!  Yes, I want to destroy Publisher’s Clearing House!!!  Maybe not with explosives (maybe), but I definitely wouldn’t cry if they went bankrupt and shut down.  You see, they and other businesses like them, are the Devil.

There are thousands of organizations like them whose business model is contingent on extracting money from those with diminished mental capacities or who are just naïve (this includes myself).  They disguise themselves as Charities, Sweepstakes, and sellers of ‘Valuable’ collectors’ items, when really they are sellers of lies, false hope and clutter.

Story time Part1 – So much Mail!

Dad received a ton of mail every day…he actually had his own basket outside of his apartment because it wouldn’t fit in the mailbox.  When I became Power of Attorney and in charge of his finances, I decided to do a change of address from his home to mine.  Being that I live inside prison grounds, I can’t get mail at my actual house, so I have a mailbox at the San Quentin Post Office.

Yes, there is actually a town of San Quentin…it is essentially one block and the Post Office is the only business.

Before this change of address for Dad, I would go the mailbox once a week.  Personally, I handle most transactions online and opt out of paper statements whenever possible.  I knew I’d have to make a few more trips in the beginning but I wasn’t planning on the daily stops that had to occur in order to allow room for the following day’s mail.  I had already stopped paper statements for my dad and systematically changed his address to mine, so I figured the other mail would just dissipate over time because I would not be sending other address changes beyond what was needed.  Boy was I wrong!

Now all his mail was coming to my house with those yellow forwarding address stickers.  But it should stop in 6 months, right?  Because six months is the length of time that USPS forwards mail.  Nope!  After a couple of weeks of daily trips to the post office, I noticed fewer yellow stickers and my ACTUAL address on the envelopes and magazines (so many magazines by the way).  What the Frack!!!

It turns out that the USPS distributes (sells?) your address when you do an online address change (how thoughtful of them).  So then began the journey of hundreds of emails and letters and returned envelopes.

Once a week, I sat down with a stack of several dozen pieces of mail and my laptop.  I opened the mail to determine if there was an email address or website or a phone number.

• If yes to an email address or phone number, then I emailed a simple note explaining my dad was ill and no longer able to receive mail.
  • My dad was never tech savvy, so I created an email to handle his personal needs. I did not use my own personal emails.
• If there was no email or website, but a phone number, I called (*67 then their number so my number comes up blocked). 99% of people responded well.  There were a few assholes who insisted on a copy of the POA (to whom I spoke harshly to), but I would eventually concede.  Later I figured out I just needed to tell them that the name of the person on the envelope did not reside at my home and to stop sending me their mail.
• If there were none of the three, then I had a standard printed note that I mailed out instead, usually using their self-address envelope. Luckily, in all of Dad’s possessions, there were a ton of stamps.
  • I should note that if an organization does not have an email, website or phone number then they were shady at best and likely something criminal was going on.
• I then added the name of the business or organization to a spreadsheet. If I received additional mail from that same place, I took out my big red marker and wrote in bold “RETURN TO SENDER!  REMOVE FROM MAILING LIST!!”
  • I had a black marker too because I had to hide my address. Otherwise, it would come back to me, red markings and all.

I got to know the San Quentin Postmaster well.  He helped me in any way he could.  Between him and the letters, emails and returned mail, I was able to remove my address from most mailing lists.  In general, it took 3 to 6 months to be permanently removed.  But I did eventually figure out a way to end this madness and it did diminish greatly after about a year.  Today, I maybe get a random piece of mail once or twice a month.  I still have my red and black markers handy.

Besides this process, here are some additional aids to reduce your mail:

• More Ways to Get Off Mailing Lists – http://www.worldprivacyforum.org
• dmachoice.org, Direct Marketing Association, Mail Preference Service, P.O. Box 643, Carmel, NY 10512-0643. It costs $2 but this will remove your address from their list.  They are where most of the organizations buy your info from.  Yes, essentially you are paying the Devil to not send you crap…it’s like paying the mob to protect you from them.  But it works and it’s worth the $2.
• optoutprescreen.com, 888-564-8688, For Pre-screened Credit card and Insurance offers
  1. This is for those annoying credit card applications. I believe there is a permanent removal option or just 5 years.
• catalogchoice.org, The Catalog Choice Ecology Center

This was a lot of work in the beginning, but it was necessary.  So now you ask “How does this save me or my parents money?”

Story time Part 2 – If they are sending you mail, they are asking for money!

Just a quick reminder, Dad was suffering from undiagnosed vascular dementia.  He was vulnerable, which made him gullible and he was forgetful.  He was also tech averse.  He only did transactions through the mail and sometimes on the phone.  Never on a computer.

I realized when I took over my Dad’s accounts, that he was writing a couple dozen checks a month.  Besides bills, all the rest were charities, PCH (Publisher’s Clearing House) and like companies, Sweepstakes and Coin Merchants.  Boy, did he like collecting coins.  Sadly, he had depleted his savings before we realized this was going on.

It probably started with Dad donating to one Veteran charity and one animal shelter.  So now his information is out there and soon his mailbox is full of mail from several dozen so-called Veteran and Animal charities.  I say ‘so-called’ because there is no way to track if most of these charities are valid or how much of the funding the intended recipients were actually receiving.  And even if there was a way to find out, Dad did not have the mental tools needed to do so.

PCH falls under two categories: the seller of clutter and sweepstakes.  Dad probably started out signing up for the sweepstakes portion but then PCH offers you deals!  On clothes, knickknacks, magazines, etc…  And of course, his information is again sold to other like companies.

Side Story:  On a few occasions, Dad would actually receive a valid check for a couple of thousand dollars from some so-called Sweepstakes.  Here’s the hitch.  The letter would say that Dad had actually won $100000, or $250000 and that this initial check was for the purpose of paying the taxes on his winnings.  He was instructed to cash the check, and then send most of the money back to them, and he would keep a couple of hundred dollars.  They would later send the remainder of his winnings once the taxes were paid.  Riiiight!  Luckily, Dad was aware enough to realize this sounded suspicious and let me know each time it happened.  I checked the FBI website and this is definitely a scam.  Probably some type of money laundering.

I digress…COINS!  The coin companies and their promises of future gains.  They were worse than the sweepstakes companies because they actually gave you an item, a coin, that you likely paid hundreds of times it’s actual value.  “But it will be worth so much more some day!”  Even if that were true, by the time you would possibly see a profit, you would be decades dead, as would your children.

*************************************************************************************

The lesson to be learned from all of this is if you are receiving mail you don’t want, you have options to stop them.  But also, to be aware for you parents’ sake.  Do they receive a ton of mail?  If so, why and what kind?  They are likely not going to know how to the stop this madness, so you will have to help them.  This in turn, will save you trouble in the future.

What if my parents don’t want my help? They say it’s none of my business! What if they insist that they know what their doing and it’s their money and they can do with it what they want?

That’s true, they can, but if you ask questions and they get defensive and/or combative, it’s likely a sign they are having troubles and are too afraid to say so or are too embarrassed.  So be delicate and try not to be accusatory or condescending.

“Hey Mom, I noticed the stack of mail on the counter?  Do you like getting all this mail?…. If not, I can try and help you stop getting some of it or show you how.”

This could be a great bonding moment.  An opportunity for them to share their anxieties with you and for you to show them that you are there for them.  If you haven’t started talking about their future, here is a gateway to those conversations.  It’s also a gateway to finding out what you yourself need to prepare for.

Wow!  That was a lot…I tried really hard to keep it from being as confusing as possible but if you have questions, Please Please Please reach out!

Painting by Alia Lundy

A few days ago, Tex rented a truck because he needed to get some supplies from Home Depot, but he also needed to drop off some furniture we no longer needed.  It was a coffee table, a tv stand and an end table; all in decent condition.  I relayed to him my doubts about Goodwill or the Salvation Army taking them.  He believed them to be still worthwhile for some single person newly out on their own at least.  Sadly, I was right.  Both businesses turned him away, so into the dumpster they went.  I feel bad but unfortunately neither of us had the time or patience to do more than that.

Why did GW and SA turn them away?

It’s because they have so much already.  They are filled to the gills with furniture from many of our grandparents and parents’ eras and which allows them the luxury of what they want to take in.  If it’s not high quality, then they won’t take it.  It used to be they would almost take milk crates.

So what’s changed?

Basically, people are starting to need and want less.  This may not be true all over the US but in the California Bay Area and other urban areas, people are simplifying their lives.  Either out of necessity because of limited space and funds or simply because if something doesn’t have a purpose, then they don’t want it.

Do you remember living room furniture?  You know, that furniture your grandmother had covered in plastic and was never sat on or used.

The following are some things that will likely not be wanted by some of our generation and future ones and the reasons why:

• Heavy Furniture – Besides a couch or a bed, large pieces such as armoires, credenzas, china cabinets, 8-person dining room sets are no longer popular buys. Ikea is cheaper and lighter.  Ooh, rolltop desks and filing cabinets…remember those?  Crammed full of paperwork and statements…yeah, everything is on our phone now.  Even laptops are beginning to be obsolete.
• Knick knacks and collectibles – be it Beanie Babies or Limoge figurines, if it’s just going to sit there and collect dust, few people will want them. Especially since there are no armoires or credenzas to put them in.
• Books, music, movies, documents and pictures – all on our phones and tablets.
• Tiny Houses and Garage Apartments – Whether it’s in the city or in the country, many people are living in much smaller spaces. McMansions are not as popular as they used to be.  Minimalism is on the rise.
• Mobility – Maybe not us so much (meaning Gen X) because we have established ourselves in a community we hope to stay in, but the next generations move often and tend to want to travel light.

I used to have a ton of stuff.  I had a walk-in closet full of clothes and shoes, plus another closet.  I still have two bureaus, but I now fit all the rest of my clothes and shoes in one regular sized closet, with room to spare.  It even has all my coats.  But I’m not done purging because there are still so many things I do not need and have not worn in ages.  I once had over 90 pairs of shoes but now I’m down to 50 maybe 60 pairs which is about 40 too many because except for my plethora of workout shoes, I can count maybe 10 pairs I will wear for other occasions.  But I digress…

So why am I on this tirade about clutter and what does it have to do with me being a caregiver?

3 years ago, when my dad started living in a nursing home, I had to clear out his apartment.  It took me three 3-day weekends (yes, 9 days), and that was with the help of family.  It was a 2-bedroom apartment!  My dad’s bedroom and living room had multiple shelves stacked with books, movies (I think I counted 400+), and various other collectibles.  In his storage room, on the balcony, I found boxes of collectible trains, cars, kitchen gadgets and just STUFF….so much stuff!!!  A ton of which is still sitting packed in my garage because I haven’t had the time to sell them on Ebay or Craigslist.  And this was even after a ton of stuff was given away.  But the rest is still an overwhelming amount of STUFF, that I need to figure out how to deal with and do so in good conscience.  My green side won’t allow me to throw it in the dumpster, so I will eventually find new homes for these items.  Plus, if I can recoup any money, it will go to my dad’s account for his care, although it will likely only be for a fraction of what my dad paid for it.

Namaste…this whole topic raises my blood pressure.  I mentioned earlier I had help from family.  Most were patient with me and listened to how I wanted to tackle things.  A couple, however, were aggressive and dare I say pushy.  Don’t get me wrong, they had the best of intentions, but I was stressed enough from trying to figure out what to keep and what not to and at the same time, not disrespect my dad while he was too ill to give any input.  So there was some drama.

So, what do I hope to achieve with this rant?

Two things I’d like my readers to do.  First, do you know what will happen with your parents’ things when they are gone or no longer able to live on their own?  If not, gently inquire about their thoughts on the issue, and if they even have one.  They may be thinking everything they have is special and valuable and to be kept and cherished by all future generations.  You may be thinking estate sale.  Or worse, they may want specific items to go to specific people and those people have expectations of getting said items.  In this case, the obvious solution to avoid misunderstandings or hurt feelings is for your parents to include these stipulations in a will.  But maybe you are an only child and have no other family?  I’m not saying that you should tell your mom that you hate her china and have no intention of keeping it but knowing what to expect and having your own plan for when that time comes can be helpful, in itself.  After all, some people are not comfortable with discussions regarding their death or possible future ill state.  So don’t push it, but the next time you’re at Mom’s house, maybe take a peak around (don’t miss the garage).  And somehow slip into the conversation, if they have a storage unit you may not know about.  Just sayin’…

The second thing is to think about what you want your children and/or other family members to have to deal with when you are sick or gone.  Handling the stress of a loved one’s illness or death is overwhelming enough without them having to struggle internally and externally with your possessions.  And I get it, we all have those items that for sentimental reasons, seem priceless.

I’m not trying to diminish anyone’s feelings.  I have a lot of my daughter’s artwork.  I still have my Raggedy Ann and Andy dolls that my late grandmother gave to me.   As well as a doll that my Aunt brought back from Africa which still has the band-aid I put on it from a toy doctor kit my uncles had given me that same day (it was my 4^th birthday).  These are my treasures…but they are only special to me.  If my daughter or my nieces, great-nieces want them, great.  Else, I will leave instructions to give them away.  But I don’t want anyone to stress or fight over the rest of my stuff.  Because it is just stuff.

I’m looking around me and except for Alia’s art, a couple of dolls and some jewelry, the rest can go.  Sell it if the money is needed, or else give it away if that’s easiest, or just throw it all away.  Either way, hopefully there won’t be much to have to decide on.

This may sound sad or dark, but it doesn’t have to be.  Instead of spending money on stuff, I will be spending it on experiences.  This month, we are taking a road trip to Oregon.  In November, we are going to the Bahamas.  We are looking forward to getting a motor home in a couple of years.

And no, I will not be buying souvenirs…no collection of shot glasses from every city I visit.  On that note, please don’t bring me any souvenirs.  I can not guarantee they won’t accidently disappear or be broken.

So, I’m in the dental chair getting my teeth cleaned at my new dental office.

I’m a creature of habit and super loyal, so even though I haven’t lived in Walnut Creek for 9 years, I was still going to my dentist in Danville.  But in my efforts to simplify my life, I decided to finally get a local dentist.

My new hygienist (who I love already) and I started having a pleasant conversation…basically getting to know each other.  We start talking about pastimes and I mention my new blog.  She tells me about the care her mother (or maybe step-mother) had received and how wonderful it was.  Her mother also had dementia and the home she lived at provided Memory Care and other resources.  And then she said it cost $10,000 a month.  Yep, 5 digits!!!

Obviously, costs vary depending on the type of facility, as well as city to city, county to county and state to state.  The facility in Vallejo that Dad is at currently, is $3500 per month for a shared room in an assisted living/nursing home hybrid.  At one point, I was researching facilities for Dad closer to me, in Marin County.  Marin County is definitely going to be on the high side and I received quotes of a minimum of $5500-$7500 for a shared room in a nursing home.  Woof!  I also inquired in the next town over from Vallejo, Benicia, where I was quoted $6000 a month, on average…minimum.

Some of you may be thinking $3500 is a steal and can I get the number to this facility?

Well, that is no longer the minimum cost because Dad’s facility is now under new ownership.  They grandfathered in the current residents at their current price, but the new price is around $5000 minimum.

Why do I keep highlighting the word ‘minimum’?

Because $5000 is for a shared room, all meals, room cleaning, laundry, activities, and medicine distribution.  Luckily, Dad can care for himself in most ways still.  He can still use the bathroom and shower on his own.  He can take his meds and eat without assistance.  He is mobile and his disposition is agreeable and pleasant.  This is important because if he needed help in any of these areas, there would be additional costs.  And since none of his conditions (dementia and heart failure) are curable, he will eventually need these additional aids.

When Dad was recovering at Windsor, I found out that they were also a Skilled Nursing Home and not just a rehab center.  Their monthly costs were about $7000.  Before Dad went into Windsor, I researched In-home care at his apartment and that ran $20 to $30 per hour.  For the amount of care and help Dad needs, it would cost about the same as Windsor.  Dad needs around the clock monitoring because he isn’t always stable on his feet and has fallen several times, and with his memory, we couldn’t risk him trying to cook and leaving on the stove.

Dad didn’t plan for living in a Nursing Home or Assisted-Living, financially or otherwise.  Neither do a lot of people.  I certainly didn’t before this.  And even if people do think it’s a possibility, they don’t actually understand the full cost.  For all-inclusive care, costs can be as high $8000 to $12000 a month.

What if a couple needs care together? $$$$$$$$$$

So now that you’ve read this, you must ask yourself, have your parents prepared for these costs?  Have you for them or yourself?

I think most people believe they will die in their sleep and in the comfort of their own home.  In reality, a person can need care for years.  But, even one year of care can drain a family’s finances.  My grandmother that had dementia, was healthy in most other ways.  She lived with my Aunt and her family for more than 5 years and was fortunate enough to have them look after her.  Not everyone is as fortunate.  Not everyone has children.  Not everyone has children that are stable enough to take on the care of another person or persons.  Not everyone has a dual income or dual income retirement.  Tex and I have 2 children and the last thing we want them to have to deal with is how to take care of us or figure out funding for our care.

So we plan…

401K’s, Pensions, Long-term care insurance, Social Security…we plan and save and we still may not be able to afford a nursing home for both of us if the need arose.  Most people wouldn’t.

For a while now, Tex and I were planning on buying a smaller house when he retires.  A 2 bedroom, 1 and a half bath seemed ideal because it would fit in with our simpler, clutter-free lifestyle.  But lately I’ve been thinking of getting a 3 bedroom with 2 bathrooms.  So that when the time comes and Tex and/or I need help, we can hire a live-in nurse.  They would have free rent, utilities, most food and a salary of some sort.  Even with the cost of assistance on their days off, we should still be able to live comfortably.  It’s just an idea for now and we will continue to look at all options.

What happens if a person doesn’t have the funding or a loved one to care for them?  Doesn’t Medicare kick in?

Admittedly, I’m not well-versed in this area but my understanding is that Medicare only kicks for the first 100 days and after that, Medicaid kicks in, but not without out of pocket costs.  So, if you are talking about a parent, then it may be expected to drain all of their savings first and their assets, such as a house, sold.  They have to be broke.  And they may not have a choice of facilities.  And even then, there may still be costs.

So plan and if you have parents, ask them about their plans.

“Well, it’s okay if they take all of my parents’ money.  I wasn’t expecting an inheritance anyway.”

LOL…I’m just going to drop this link here: https://www.medicalalertadvice.com/articles/does-state-law-require-you-to-support-your-aging-parent/

Yep, if a nursing home doesn’t get paid, they can sue the children in many states.  I’m looking at you, my fellow Californians.

So for F’s sake, plan!!!  And find out your parents’ plans, while you are at it!!!

I would definitely love to hear back on this topic.  For those you with plans in place, any ideas outside of the ones mentioned?  Let’s spread the word.

4 Generations – Alia (my daughter), Dad, Grandma and me…circa 2008

Why doesn’t your dad live with you?

No one has outright asked me this but I’ve seen the question of many faces.  The “Isn’t is just you and your husband in a 3-bedroom house?” look.  The “Don’t you only work part-time and can choose your own hours?” look.

Well, Yes! And, in some ways!  But….

Before I get into that, let me list some of the assisted living options out there that I am aware of:

Assisted Living – housing for elderly or disabled people that provides nursing care, housekeeping, and prepared meals as needed.  This can have an apartment complex setting which allows for more independent living.

Skilled Nursing Home – per Merriam-Webster, a health-care institution that meets federal criteria for Medicaid and Medicare reimbursement for nursing care including especially the supervision of the care of every patient by a physician, the employment full-time of at least one registered nurse, the maintenance of records concerning the care and condition of every patient, the availability of nursing care 24 hours a day, the presence of facilities for storing and dispensing drugs, the implementation of a utilization review plan, and overall financial planning including an annual operating budget and a 3-year capital expenditures program.  Typically, in these settings, a person shares a room with another occupant but single occupancy rooms are available.

In-Home Assistance – healthcare and/or personal care support that’s provided in-home.

Veterans Home – Provides a variety of options for Veterans from those listed above as well as Senior Living and Hospice.

There are probably a few other options and hybrids of these options, but these are the most common.  In Dad’s case, he lives in an Assisted living facility with a Nursing Home set-up. It’s not a Skilled Nursing home, though.  Which means there isn’t a Registered Nurse on staff but he does share a room.

So back to why Dad lives in a Nursing Home.

It wasn’t a planned occurrence, at all.  3 years ago, Dad was so ill he had to be admitted to a rehab center in Vallejo and we had no clue what the outcome would be.  As he was being moved from Kaiser Hospital to Windsor Vallejo Care Center, one of the nurses handed me information regarding a Senior Care Broker.  At first, I was confused…did she know something I didn’t?  Wouldn’t Dad be going home after Windsor?  To be honest, we weren’t sure if Dad was going to make it.  At the time, all we knew was Dad had heart failure and was severely declining in health.  My family and I could only handle what was happening in the moment.

A week later, Dad was physically improving but mentally not as well.  It became apparent that he may have dementia and as his POA, I had to look towards the future.  So after discussions with family, I contacted the Broker.  He sat down with me and my husband and gave us a few options.  A couple of days later, he showed us a few facilities and we settled on one of the larger ones.  It was an older facility, but it had a few more amenities than the others, such as his own bathroom, only one roommate, and it had a larger male population.

Side note: Did you know that women out number men in Senior Living between 7 to 1 and up to 10 to 1?

At first, my family and I said it was temporary.  Dad was recovering well and we were hoping that we were wrong about the dementia…or at least wrong about the severity of the condition.  But then, there was a setback.  Dad’s breathing seemed to be getting worse and he started declining again.  It turns out that not all of his medication had been transferred over from Windsor to the nursing home.  The doctor that oversaw my dad’s case at Windsor was overzealous regarding my Dad’s recovery and kept removing meds.  We got the medication situation figured out with his GP, but Dad was still retaining fluids.  At an appointment with the Cardiologist, Dad admitted to still consuming quite of bit of salt-filled snacks.  The doctor proceeded to chastise me and my husband Tex, who happened to be with us.  So, immediately upon returning to Dad’s room I looked for snacks and I found 2 large bags of chips next to Dad’s bed.  Tex however (a Correctional Sergeant), did a proper search of his room and found 2 grocery bags full of chips, crackers and popcorn in his closet, drawers and even under his bed.  Needless to say, there were some growing pains with the facility and the new living arrangements in the beginning but once his meds were corrected and his diet was adjusted, he improved.

However, it became clear that Dad was no longer ever going to be able to live on his own.  If it was just the heart failure or even just the dementia, he may have been able to live on his own with in-home assistance.  But, the combination had already proven to be almost fatal so we concluded that he needed full time care and supervision.

Well, now that I know what kind of care he needs, why not take him home?

There are several factors as to why.

My Aunts on both sides of my family took care of their mothers until they died.  My dad’s sister had taken care of both parents.  For many years, they fed, bathed, clothed and chauffeured my grandmothers’ around.  They were up many nights and spent a lot of time in hospitals.  They entertained them and did their best to keep them happy and comfortable.  They did have some help from other family members but the bulk of the responsibility landed on them.  I don’t know how they did it…If they can do it, why don’t I do the same?

First, here is where I mention that I live on San Quentin Prison property.  Because it is government housing, the cost is very low and helping us save for retirement and our future home. This house is almost a century old and is not compatible for Dad’s condition.  It has stairs and a bathroom that is not set up for up someone with special needs (like a walk-in and a sit-down shower with bars).

Second, I am located near a gun range.  This not good for a war veteran with PTSD.  It can sound like combat if you don’t know any better.

Third, my grandmothers were both women and small women in their advanced age.  Dad is 6 feet 3 inches and 240 pounds at his top weight.  The day Dad was checked into the rehab center, he had an appointment with his doctor.  I arrived at his apartment 3 hours early because I knew I had to help him get ready.  I had to help him into the bathroom, help him showered and help him get dressed.  At this point, he was only 170-180 lbs and unable to stand on his own, so I was holding him up, almost carrying him.  Now I can lift heavy weights, but bathing and dressing that weight is a totally different situation.  The facility Dad lives at is prepared for all these challenges.

But more important than the other reasons, Dad still has a since of living on his own.  He still has his own place (although with a roommate) and he doesn’t feel like he’s a burden to any of us.  It makes the time he spends with his family more enjoyable and not obligatory.  Plus, I don’t think Dad would enjoy having his daughter help him shower and clean-up after him on a regular basis.  He has his pride and part of his happiness is based on a sense of being independent.

And the final reason…well, I’d be lying if I said I’m not relieved to have my own freedom and space.  After watching my Aunts, I knew these would be limited.  They weren’t totally home bound but making arrangements in order for them to have personal lives was no small task.  Personally, I wouldn’t be able to work and do what I love if I took care of Dad full time.

It may sound selfish.  It may actually be selfish.  I’m okay with that.  I think people have an obligation to themselves to live their best lives and having Dad live with me full time would not provide that for either of us.  Because of this and my Aunt’s experience, part of mine and my husband’s future planning includes making sure our children do not have to be responsible for our care.

And just because I may not be involved in the day to day needs for Dad, I do have many other responsibilities with regards to Dad’s care. And Dad’s life isn’t perfect where he lives, so I’m constantly looking for ways to improve his quality of life.  But those will be separate articles.  Also, I mentioned the Veterans Home but that too deserves its own article.

One final note for today.  A great resource is “A Place for Mom”.  There are a ton of articles on not only how to care for our parents but how to also plan for our own future needs.

Thank you for reading.

Anne